This upcoming weekend holds some exciting events. Sunday is my first wedding anniversary and Monday is my birthday! In so many ways I feel like our first year of marriage has flown by, but when I think about all that has happened it is a little more believable.
Sure, I've experienced quite a few firsts without my best friend and even a few without Keith, but I'm sure any griever reading this can relate when I say, it doesn't get easier. From what I've read from other fellow grievers, the seconds are worse because people tend to only think of you and reach out when you're experiencing your firsts. I can also attest to the fact that people are less likely to reach out if you're an extended relation such as a friend or a daughter-in-law. If there is one positive thing I've gained through my grief process is perspective. I know I can and will support my people better during grief than I have before all of this happened.
Yes, grief is different for everyone but some of the path is similar. What similar is the loneliness. You have your loved ones and your close circle to lean on but no one gets your grief like you do and that. is. lonely. For some reason I yearn for acknowledgement of my grief from others. I don't know if I feel like I need the validation that what I'm feeling is okay or is it because most days I am secretly drowning and it is such a relief when someone can cut it and say, "I see you, I know you're hurting, you are not alone even if you feel like it." I am so thankful for the ones who do this for me, you know who you are and I'm forever thankful.
In the beginning of both of my losses I have really struggled with the feeling of being left out, and still do for that matter. "Because I am not Stephanie or Keith's blood relative or spouse I shouldn't be vocal about it or show my emotions to others. I need to be strong for the blood relatives" is a glimpse in MY thought-process. I know I'm being too hard on myself, but that is Amanda 101. Hearing phrases like "but their grief is just harder than yours." I think 100% has to do with my need to have my feelings validated by others but as I even stated in my first-ever blog entry, "everyone's grief is valid." I can totally rationale a statement like that now, but if I'm in the rough waves something like that makes me go under. OF COURSE my grief isn't the same as a grieving spouse, OF COURSE my grieving isn't the same as a parent, but my grief doesn't feel light. My love for them doesn't feel light, the loss I feel doesn't feel small. It consumes every day. I know I cannot let this keep me from grieving, I have to grieve, and I don't need anyone's permission or invitation.
When proofing this entry, I had my sister read this and she said this makes me think of a quote from one of our favorite shows. Granted the situation was comparing the loss of a child to a loss of spouse but I thought it was still powerful....even if it did come from fiction.
"I resent having to feel like losing the love of my life, the only someone who ever made me feel like I was truly me, is less of a loss, is smaller than your loss. I am now broken. I'm now not me, I'm now forever changed. I'm undone. A broken heart is a broken heart. To take measure is cruelty."
So why am I sharing one of the ugliest parts of my grief journey? I share all of this because there might be someone else out there that has felt the same way. Maybe they can benefit from knowing they aren't alone in those feelings. I wish I had more advice on how to overcome this, it's something I still deal with almost every day. What helps me is leaning on my inner circle and pray without ceasing, even if it feels like I'm eating cardboard.
Sure, I've experienced quite a few firsts without my best friend and even a few without Keith, but I'm sure any griever reading this can relate when I say, it doesn't get easier. From what I've read from other fellow grievers, the seconds are worse because people tend to only think of you and reach out when you're experiencing your firsts. I can also attest to the fact that people are less likely to reach out if you're an extended relation such as a friend or a daughter-in-law. If there is one positive thing I've gained through my grief process is perspective. I know I can and will support my people better during grief than I have before all of this happened.
Yes, grief is different for everyone but some of the path is similar. What similar is the loneliness. You have your loved ones and your close circle to lean on but no one gets your grief like you do and that. is. lonely. For some reason I yearn for acknowledgement of my grief from others. I don't know if I feel like I need the validation that what I'm feeling is okay or is it because most days I am secretly drowning and it is such a relief when someone can cut it and say, "I see you, I know you're hurting, you are not alone even if you feel like it." I am so thankful for the ones who do this for me, you know who you are and I'm forever thankful.
In the beginning of both of my losses I have really struggled with the feeling of being left out, and still do for that matter. "Because I am not Stephanie or Keith's blood relative or spouse I shouldn't be vocal about it or show my emotions to others. I need to be strong for the blood relatives" is a glimpse in MY thought-process. I know I'm being too hard on myself, but that is Amanda 101. Hearing phrases like "but their grief is just harder than yours." I think 100% has to do with my need to have my feelings validated by others but as I even stated in my first-ever blog entry, "everyone's grief is valid." I can totally rationale a statement like that now, but if I'm in the rough waves something like that makes me go under. OF COURSE my grief isn't the same as a grieving spouse, OF COURSE my grieving isn't the same as a parent, but my grief doesn't feel light. My love for them doesn't feel light, the loss I feel doesn't feel small. It consumes every day. I know I cannot let this keep me from grieving, I have to grieve, and I don't need anyone's permission or invitation.
When proofing this entry, I had my sister read this and she said this makes me think of a quote from one of our favorite shows. Granted the situation was comparing the loss of a child to a loss of spouse but I thought it was still powerful....even if it did come from fiction.
"I resent having to feel like losing the love of my life, the only someone who ever made me feel like I was truly me, is less of a loss, is smaller than your loss. I am now broken. I'm now not me, I'm now forever changed. I'm undone. A broken heart is a broken heart. To take measure is cruelty."
So why am I sharing one of the ugliest parts of my grief journey? I share all of this because there might be someone else out there that has felt the same way. Maybe they can benefit from knowing they aren't alone in those feelings. I wish I had more advice on how to overcome this, it's something I still deal with almost every day. What helps me is leaning on my inner circle and pray without ceasing, even if it feels like I'm eating cardboard.
I understand how you feel. My best friend's husband died three years ago. We have been couple friends for over thirty years. Her mom died a year later. I miss them both very much yet find it very hard to share that with others. Praying for you to find comfort in knowing that in your losses Jesus is holding you in His arms. Remember the love and the good times you shared with both of them. Our memories are what keep them alive in us. God Bless you and give you comfort, Theresa
ReplyDelete<3 Thank you!
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