Both Broken and Whole

2017 held the happiest, best moments of my life, and also the worst, and darkest. I married an amazing man and partner, but lost my best friend. They say the first year of marriage is one of the hardest, and I can see that, but I think it adds pressure when one or both members of the relationship experiences a huge loss. However, I must say, Kyle has handled it with grace. It’s hard to know what to do or say when our loved one is grieving so deeply. Even as the griever, often times I don’t even know what I need. I’m angry for no reason, withdrawn, and I don’t recall a day I’ve gone without crying. Something that made me laugh yesterday, can make me fall apart today. I often wonder if it feels like walking in a landmine in the dark with me. I often fear that him seeing me in so much grief makes him wonder if I’m any less excited that I’m his wife. I recently listened to a podcast on grief and the man shared, “I can be both broken and whole in the spaces of life and death.” I can say with every fiber of my being that this is true. As broken as I am, I am that much whole, and radiantly in love with my new husband. If anything, my love and appreciation for him has grown exponentially.

Our first Christmas and New Years as a married couple was really great. It was quiet, and we got to spend a lot of it with just each other. I am so thankful for this. I am thankful for that time spent together, and the memories made, but I am also thankful for the space to grieve. Despite a wonderful Christmas day, I ended the night in tears because I just miss her so much. I wanted to so badly tell her how much Kyle liked the gift her and I came up with together. I think that this why I look at my loved ones with such fragility now. I stare at them or pictures trying to freeze images in my mind because you just never know. This time last year, we didn't think anymore of Stephanie's headaches as more than really bad migraines. It's crazy what transpired in a year, so I can't help but somewhat fear what 2018 can bring, since it's already my first year without my best friend. However, I do challenge myself and others to make the most of each day. I am someone who definitely does NOT follow the rule, "don't sweat the small stuff." I'm working to change that. I want to focus on loving and living harder so much that I don't have time for the negative. Sure, that's easier said than done, but it's worth a try.

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The Bookstore

If you know me, you may already know that I grew up in a book and coffee store in my small hometown in Kentucky. My godmother owned this charming store on main street and I asked her at the age of 14 if I could come work for her. She obviously obliged and from then on it quickly became my place of refuge. It’s where I found myself. While my peers were into sports and parties, I spent my time in the book stacks sipping on my latest creation. Naturally, my love for books and coffee deepened, but it’s also where I found my love for people. To me, Karen’s Book Barn wasn’t just a place, it was a feeling. A feeling shaped predominately by its owner, Karen, but also by its workers, and regulars. I met the most fascinating, caring, loving, remarkable people during the ten years I worked there. I can’t even begin to list all of the special people I encountered during my time there, but you all know who you are. These people became my second family. People who supported me no matter w

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This upcoming weekend holds some exciting events. Sunday is my first wedding anniversary and Monday is my birthday! In so many ways I feel like our first year of marriage has flown by, but when I think about all that has happened it is a little more believable. Sure, I've experienced quite a few firsts without my best friend and even a few without Keith, but I'm sure any griever reading this can relate when I say, it doesn't get easier. From what I've read from other fellow grievers, the seconds are worse because people tend to only think of you and reach out when you're experiencing your firsts. I can also attest to the fact that people are less likely to reach out if you're an extended relation such as a friend or a daughter-in-law. If there is one positive thing I've gained through my grief process is perspective. I know I can and will support my people better during grief than I have before all of this happened. Yes, grief is different for everyon

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It's been two weeks to the day, and I'm still in so much disbelief. On February 1st at 11:43 a.m. my father-in-law suddenly passed away. Keith was a healthy, young 58, he counted his calories, walked three times a day, and never smoked. He had been fighting what we thought was just a bad cold. Having been to the doctor already, he went on Monday, January 29th, thinking it was pneumonia. Tuesday we found out it was a tumor. Wednesday we found out it was stage 4 lung cancer and nothing could be done. By Thursday he was gone. Ironically, we found out it was cancer the same day we found out about Stephanie’s tumor the year prior. Quite frankly, that part still feels like a sick joke. How does this happen and how do you wrap your mind around losing two precious people within four months of each other? How do you go on a double-date with your in-laws on a Friday night, and then lose one of them less than a week later? I'm still in so much shock but I wanted

Be Not Afraid

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