Skip to main content

Both Broken and Whole

2017 held the happiest, best moments of my life, and also the worst, and darkest. I married an amazing man and partner, but lost my best friend. They say the first year of marriage is one of the hardest, and I can see that, but I think it adds pressure when one or both members of the relationship experiences a huge loss. However, I must say, Kyle has handled it with grace. It’s hard to know what to do or say when our loved one is grieving so deeply. Even as the griever, often times I don’t even know what I need. I’m angry for no reason, withdrawn, and I don’t recall a day I’ve gone without crying. Something that made me laugh yesterday, can make me fall apart today. I often wonder if it feels like walking in a landmine in the dark with me. I often fear that him seeing me in so much grief makes him wonder if I’m any less excited that I’m his wife. I recently listened to a podcast on grief and the man shared, “I can be both broken and whole in the spaces of life and death.” I can say with every fiber of my being that this is true. As broken as I am, I am that much whole, and radiantly in love with my new husband. If anything, my love and appreciation for him has grown exponentially.

 Our first Christmas and New Years as a married couple was really great. It was quiet, and we got to spend a lot of it with just each other. I am so thankful for this. I am thankful for that time spent together, and the memories made, but I am also thankful for the space to grieve. Despite a wonderful Christmas day, I ended the night in tears because I just miss her so much. I wanted to so badly tell her how much Kyle liked the gift her and I came up with together. I think that this why I look at my loved ones with such fragility now. I stare at them or pictures trying to freeze images in my mind because you just never know. This time last year, we didn't think anymore of Stephanie's headaches as more than really bad migraines. It's crazy what transpired in a year, so I can't help but somewhat fear what 2018 can bring, since it's already my first year without my best friend. However, I do challenge myself and others to make the most of each day. I am someone who definitely does NOT follow the rule, "don't sweat the small stuff." I'm working to change that. I want to focus on loving and living harder so much that I don't have time for the negative. Sure, that's easier said than done, but it's worth a try. 



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"A life with love is a life that has been lived"

It's been a while since I have written because I haven't felt like I have had anything profound to share. It's been a blur of taking each day as they come and surviving the waves as they show up. Mostly the grief and sadness is manageable, but there are days [or weeks], like this past one, where I'm back at square one. Square one for me is the absolute disbelief that this is real life and that they aren't coming back. How is it possible it's been ten months without Stephanie and five without Keith? I was looking at a photo slideshow of Stephanie and it was like I was realizing all over again that there will be no more new memories, I will not see that smile or hear that laugh again this side of heaven. These realizations are suffocating and I can only describe it as utter despair and devastation. I'm pretty decent at managing the tears and holding them back until I can be alone to let them fall freely and when I don't have to worry about the effect...
Post a Comment
Read more

Firsts

This upcoming weekend holds some exciting events. Sunday is my first wedding anniversary and Monday is my birthday! In so many ways I feel like our first year of marriage has flown by, but when I think about all that has happened it is a little more believable.  Sure, I've experienced quite a few firsts without my best friend and even a few without Keith, but I'm sure any griever reading this can relate when I say, it doesn't get easier. From what I've read from other fellow grievers, the seconds are worse because people tend to only think of you and reach out when you're experiencing your firsts. I can also attest to the fact that people are less likely to reach out if you're an extended relation such as a friend or a daughter-in-law. If there is one positive thing I've gained through my grief process is perspective. I know I can and will support my people better during grief than I have before all of this happened.  Yes, grief is different for everyon...
2 comments
Read more

People Don't Know How to Handle Grief.

Let me rephrase that. People don't know how to handle OTHER people's grief. They're scared of it. They skirt around it, they avoid it, sometimes even belittle it. This is one thing I've observed through this whole experience. It's interesting to see the similarities and the differences in how people respond to your grief…and I'd be lying if I didn't say that I haven't gotten frustrated over some of these responses. I can hear my husband now saying, "They're just trying to help," and I know this, but it's still hard. One of the most common reactions is how people quickly try to relate to you. You can see their brain working to figure out some similarity between what you might be feeling to something they have previously felt. This is usually followed up with, "When my so and so died…" Don't get me wrong, I have done this too, but why? Why is that the automatic response? Trying to put my feelings in a uniform box ca...
Post a Comment
Read more