"A life with love is a life that has been lived"

It's been a while since I have written because I haven't felt like I have had anything profound to share. It's been a blur of taking each day as they come and surviving the waves as they show up. Mostly the grief and sadness is manageable, but there are days [or weeks], like this past one, where I'm back at square one. Square one for me is the absolute disbelief that this is real life and that they aren't coming back. How is it possible it's been ten months without Stephanie and five without Keith? I was looking at a photo slideshow of Stephanie and it was like I was realizing all over again that there will be no more new memories, I will not see that smile or hear that laugh again this side of heaven. These realizations are suffocating and I can only describe it as utter despair and devastation.

I'm pretty decent at managing the tears and holding them back until I can be alone to let them fall freely and when I don't have to worry about the effect on the other person…but not last week. I could not stop crying and I really just wanted to full-on sob. Music is helpful for me so I was perusing some of my favorite grief playlists and found one I hadn't heard before, "Supermarket Flowers" by Ed Sheeran. I found it odd. I love Ed Sheeran so I was kinda surprised this one was new to me. After listening to it once, and then fifty more times, I knew why it hadn't been until now that I had found it. It found me when I needed it most. There are three big takeaways from that song now that I've listened to it easily over a hundred times.

"Oh I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know
A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved
So I'll sing Hallelujah
...
And when God took you back, he said Hallelujah
You're home
....
I hope that I see the world as you did cause I know
A life with love is a life that's been lived"

Supermarket Flowers

I'm still in pieces and my heart is still very much broken but I still rejoice because I know I loved them as much as they loved me, and I know God and I both rejoice now that they are both home. The final line has really been my biggest takeaway from my grief journey, but just in more eloquent terms. I pray daily that I'll see the world the way Stephanie did. Even on the brink of death, Stephanie handled life with grace and hope. Stephanie lived and loved so hard. She had more wonderful adventures than someone who got to live 85 years. I owe it her to live like that. I owe it to her love like that. I can hear her saying, "Okay, cry for a little bit more, but then go climb or mountain or something crazy."

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Be Not Afraid

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