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Tell Her Story

I miss her. I miss her every day. We didn't see each other every day, we only saw each other a few precious times a year, but we talked every day. So many trivial things I would share with her. I don't know how many times a day I still think, "I need to tell or ask Stephanie about that," and reach for my phone. For those first few seconds I have to relive her passing again. After the gut-punch, I've been finding myself whispering, "I just miss you so much, girl."  The void I feel is so deep and dark that it doesn't seem like this could be reality. I sometimes feel stuck by wanting a reprieve from these feelings, but then scared that if I take a break that it means I loved her less or something. Silly, I know. Another silly thing is the guilt I feel at times. I find myself genuinely happy, okay, or laughing and then the grief knocks and gnaws at me. "Is it okay to feel happy this soon?" I ask myself. I know this is ridiculous; Stephanie would want me to make the best of this. Sharing this part with you is pretty vulnerable for me. I want to be full disclosure because I think that this is the point of what I'm doing, but it’s scary nonetheless.

So why am I doing this? Honestly, I don't know. I've been super private about all of this, so why I am doing a blog? A few days after I got back from the funeral I was feeling grief in a way I had never experienced (see first entry). Because I had never felt this way before I wanted to talk about what I was feeling, but I didn't know how. So I just started typing and letting those emotions seep out. It didn't stop there. I then felt pushed to share it with people. Many people have told me how much they can relate to what I've written and for some reason that brings me comfort. What we are experiencing really sucks and it feels better to know I'm not the only one sitting in the rain.

When Stephanie was passing, I reached out for her dad and held onto him. He told me to never stop telling her story. Those are words I think about every day. This is something I will strive to honor for the rest of my life. If you knew Stephanie, even if just through her blog, you knew how remarkable she was. I'm honored to have been a part of her life here and I will do whatever I can to see that her story continues, even if it's through a blog. 


Comments

  1. AnonymousOctober 25, 2017 at 12:50 PM

    Keep on blogging on sweet friend. We're still at the beginning of the journey and I'm looking forward to seeing how God leads you down this road. I'm looking forward to reading and hearing about the things God speaks to you and I know that it will be nothing but an encouragement to us all. Keep telling her story all the days of your life and know that I'll always be down to hear them all!

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