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Thankful

A friend recently told that grief is unnatural for us because we weren't supposed to experience it, (see Genesis for further explanation). That totally hit home for me, because I think that's why I find myself in total shock at times. It is such an unnatural feeling and you don't get a timeout to process it. You're supposed to pick up your life and keep trucking. You're still expected to laugh at people's jokes and not cringe when someone says they're "dying" from same said joke. Like I've said before, I repeatedly want to push the pause button, and I can't.

So how do you balance the need to grieve, but also make it through the work-day without crying on your keyboard? I haven't figured this out, but I know that it is normal. I think it is important to let yourself embrace the waves of grief when they come, because if you don't, those waves turn into a tsunami. I like to compare grief to weather because I think they both are just as unpredictable. Storms pop-up out of nowhere, sometimes the rain lasts longer than predicted and sometimes you get an unexpected stretch of sunny days.

A few months before Stephanie's birthday, she asked if Kyle and I would come down to celebrate with her. Without hesitation we booked the flight. Things changed between then and the trip, but we were able to re-route our flight to Tampa to be with her on her special day. We were greeted in Tampa the evening of her birthday with a downpour, but it didn't derail our plans to see her. As I sat in the back of the Uber listening to Kyle and the Uber driver making small talk, I couldn't help but think of the last time I rode on this bridge. The last time, I was with Stephanie in our small Fiat jamming out to Earth, Wind, and Fire's, "September" with the windows down. <3

When we arrived to her room, her husband warned me that she may not know who I am or be able to speak much. When I rounded the corner to her bed, he said, "Stephanie, do you know who is here to see you?!" She looked at me and her face light up with recognition and she said, "Amandaaaaa!" and opened her arms for a hug. I replay the warmth on her face and our last embrace daily. I am so utterly thankful for that moment that I don't think I can fully express it into words. For those few moments I had my friend back, we were "us", and we were celebrating another birthday together. I was able to get a few "I love you, girls" in and a few more hugs before she would slip into the sleep she wouldn't really wake up from. I thank God, for those moments, and I thank Stephanie for hanging on for me.  


Summer 2013 - Our trip to Tampa with Fifi the Fiat 

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