Be Not Afraid

If you know me, you may already know that I grew up in a book and coffee store in my small hometown in Kentucky. My godmother owned this charming store on main street and I asked her at the age of 14 if I could come work for her. She obviously obliged and from then on it quickly became my place of refuge. It’s where I found myself. While my peers were into sports and parties, I spent my time in the book stacks sipping on my latest creation. Naturally, my love for books and coffee deepened, but it’s also where I found my love for people.   To me, Karen’s Book Barn wasn’t just a place, it was a feeling. A feeling shaped predominately by its owner, Karen, but also by its workers, and regulars. I met the most fascinating, caring, loving, remarkable people during the ten years I worked there. I can’t even begin to list all of the special people I encountered during my time there, but you all know who you are. These people became my second family. People who supported me no matt...

For the past few months I knew I wanted to write and post something around the year anniversary of losing Stephanie. I really have been at loss, knowing I could never adequately put into words the impact of losing my best friend has been on me. Now that I’m here, on the one year anniversary of her going to heaven, I’m back in that hospital room on September 24, 2017. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I woke up this morning, 365 days without my person. Despite it being a year, I still had the knee-jerk reaction to call her to talk out why I woke up upset this morning. I still feel like I don’t have my right-hand, but honestly, I wouldn’t want it any other way. She’ll always be a part of me and it’ll always feel like a part of me is missing this side of heaven. I've known Stephanie literally her entire life, because of that, I feel like I knew the ins-and-outs of Stephanie pretty well. However, much of our relationship has been from a distance. Despite how much I feel like I...

It's been a while since I have written because I haven't felt like I have had anything profound to share. It's been a blur of taking each day as they come and surviving the waves as they show up. Mostly the grief and sadness is manageable, but there are days [or weeks], like this past one, where I'm back at square one. Square one for me is the absolute disbelief that this is real life and that they aren't coming back. How is it possible it's been ten months without Stephanie and five without Keith? I was looking at a photo slideshow of Stephanie and it was like I was realizing all over again that there will be no more new memories, I will not see that smile or hear that laugh again this side of heaven. These realizations are suffocating and I can only describe it as utter despair and devastation. I'm pretty decent at managing the tears and holding them back until I can be alone to let them fall freely and when I don't have to worry about the effect...

If you know me at all, you know I love birthdays. I love your birthday, I love their birthday, and I love my birthday. I love the opportunity to celebrate another year around the sun and I love the opportunity to celebrate my loved ones. What is so great about loving birthdays is having a best friend who also loves birthdays. I shared this with Stephanie. I think that is why as soon as I woke up this morning, it hit me in the face. My first birthday without her. My first birthday without my best friend. She has been gone for six months now and the newness, reality, rawness and realization of her absence hasn't lessened. Many of you may not know, but Stephanie and I didn't live in the same state after we were ten. Yet our friendship remained and we just grew closer as the years passed. Stephanie always made sure I felt special on my birthday no matter the distance. Two years ago, she drove up 10 hours for a weekend to spend it with me. Last year, knowing that my birthday was r...

This upcoming weekend holds some exciting events. Sunday is my first wedding anniversary and Monday is my birthday! In so many ways I feel like our first year of marriage has flown by, but when I think about all that has happened it is a little more believable.  Sure, I've experienced quite a few firsts without my best friend and even a few without Keith, but I'm sure any griever reading this can relate when I say, it doesn't get easier. From what I've read from other fellow grievers, the seconds are worse because people tend to only think of you and reach out when you're experiencing your firsts. I can also attest to the fact that people are less likely to reach out if you're an extended relation such as a friend or a daughter-in-law. If there is one positive thing I've gained through my grief process is perspective. I know I can and will support my people better during grief than I have before all of this happened.  Yes, grief is different for everyon...

It's been two weeks to the day, and I'm still in so much disbelief. On February 1st at 11:43 a.m. my father-in-law suddenly passed away. Keith was a healthy, young 58, he counted his calories, walked three times a day, and never smoked. He had been fighting what we thought was just a bad cold. Having been to the doctor already, he went on Monday, January 29th, thinking it was pneumonia.  Tuesday  we found out it was a tumor.  Wednesday  we found out it was stage 4 lung cancer and nothing could be done.  By  Thursday  he was gone. Ironically, we found out it was cancer the same day we found out about Stephanie’s tumor the year prior. Quite frankly, that part still feels like a sick joke.  How does this happen and how do you wrap your mind around losing two precious people  within four months  of each other? How do you go on a double-date with your in-laws on a  Friday  night, and then lose one of them less than a...

2017 held the happiest, best moments of my life, and also the worst, and darkest. I married an amazing man and partner, but lost my best friend. They say the first year of marriage is one of the hardest, and I can see that, but I think it adds pressure when one or both members of the relationship experiences a huge loss. However, I must say, Kyle has handled it with grace. It’s hard to know what to do or say when our loved one is grieving so deeply. Even as the griever, often times I don’t even know what I need. I’m angry for no reason, withdrawn, and I don’t recall a day I’ve gone without crying. Something that made me laugh yesterday, can make me fall apart today. I often wonder if it feels like walking in a landmine in the dark with me.  I often fear that him seeing me in so much grief makes him wonder if I’m any less excited that I’m his wife. I recently listened to a podcast on grief and the man shared, “I can be both broken and whole in the spaces of life and death.” I can sa...